Swearing off KFC forever...

The rain had us venturing off into unfamiliar territory today. Trudging for hours in howling winds and violent rain, we finally found shelter in a shabby shed called Lougheed Town Centre. Cold, shivering, and weakened by hunger, we desperately searched for food to reinvigorate our souls. Soul food...

When fried chicken meets the sight of a famished frugal man, there is no turning back. His fervent desire is insatiable, especially upon reading the sign "KFC: $5.99 for 3 pieces of chicken plus frahs".

What happened next left him speechless and in tears...

"What is this shit?!" he exclaimed. We closely examined the specimen, a drumstick so miniature that we suspect it was a frog leg in disguise. The "thigh" was hardly bigger, a crusty layer of skin enclosing hollow bones. Nevertheless, the man is overcome with hunger and tore ravenously into the mystery meat.

It took mere seconds to devour this plate of madness (10 bites-worth). It left him feeling both hungry and a bit disgusted with himself knowing that he ate a plate of wing-lets or .. child chicken...

Even the KFC worker was so ashamed of this product that he stealthily slipped in an additional "drumstick" without saying a word.

Nevertheless, the man was inconsolable, as he slowly stumbled away, hungry and dejected. 

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Beware of Food-porn: Looks can be deceiving

Above is a picturesque reflection of a smorgasbord of sweet flavours and sensations, a delightfully refreshing blend of deliciously fresh mango and creamy rich vanilla topped with a sloppy drizzle of tangy mango sawce, YUM right?

WRONG.

Actually…. This mango shaved ice from Mango Yummy was seriously un-yummy. The outer layer consists of a generous portion of unripe mango, the rubbery near-frozen texture and tartness of which could not be saved by the sweet sawce that it was drenched in. The inner layer consists of pellets of hail-sized shaved ice that could not be ingested without thorough chewing with your teeth (not recommended by dentists). The (3^rd-party manufactured) vanilla ice-cream was fine but that’s not the point.

The point is, there's no short supply of sexy food-porny photos out there, but do they really reflect quality of taste/sensation or are they just well-packaged duds? I'm looking for the inner substantive beauty. #innerbeautycounts.

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There's a new Dosa Factory in town

"Dosa Factory is the real deal." So I've been told by my Indian counterparts who are subject matter experts on the topic of Indian Food. To rival the well-established dosa joint, House of Dosas on Kingsway, Dosa Factory opened up.... a few doors down! What a bad-ass. They also price-matched the Monday $5.99 dosa deal. WIN for all of us!

Instead of taking advantage of the Monday $5.99 deal, we somehow ended up going on a Tuesday and paid nearly double the price, because one simply cannot wait around with Indian cravings!

Pictured above was my dosa combo, part of the Tuesday $9.99 special.  The special consists of any dosa of your choice (Mine was chicken, well hidden under the dosa wrap), a vada (donut thinger), an idly (white rice cake), and a lentil (?) soup. The amount of carbs in this meal was unbelievable. I had to unbutton my pants to finish half the dosa.

First of all, this is still a good deal even if it's not $5.99. There was a fair amount of chicken in the dosa. However, as for the "donut" and "rice cake", I'd say, they're unnecessary. They come with little flavour (you gotta use the dip sawce) and they primarily serve the purpose of making you more full which would be great in a zombie apocalypse. The soup was light and tasty.

My companion had a crepe-like dosa (pictured above) which I think was the "Madrasi style special dosa" with special chutney and masala. I had a bite of it, which offered an explosion of flavours. Logistically, it was much more manageable to eat a crepe-shaped dosa.  She devoured it within minutes. I still think I got more "stuff" in my dosa. A better bang (for the buck). Size matters (for value).

Another friend ordered an indo-chinese fried rice, which she really didn't care for. Lesson learned: stick to Indian food at Indian restaurants!

Overall, the experience at Dosa Factory was positive, if only the service wasn't SO DAMN SLOW! It took us 30 mins to flag down a server to order our food, and there were only 2 other groups in the restaurant at the time.

On a side note, my throat felt so dry after eating the dosa. MSG? Spice overload?

Food quality:  5/5 I can't pick faults with Indian food
Service: 2/5 too slow
Ambience: 3/5 diner style joint
Value: 5/5 great value, especially on Mondays

http://dosafactoryvancouver.com/

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Get out and watch Get Out

Disclaimer: This post contains copious amounts of spoilers.

COPIOUS. AMOUNTS.

OK. So we've seen the creepy trailers for the movie Get Out. The first time I saw the trailer I thought.... "hmm, a movie about white supremacist/KKK cannibals". Then you hear whiny people complaining "oh we really don't need another movie about racism especially when our country is already so divided... blablabla".  That's complete BS. Watch the movie.

Synopsis: Tyrone, a cool black photographer has dated a White Chick for 4 months and now it's time to meet her parents. Her parents (who look like a bunch of hippies/hipsters) live in the dark woods and seem normal at first, but things get weird when Tyrone notices the creepy black servants they employ around the house. Perhaps they are racists? Slave Owners? That night, Tyrone dreams about being hypnotized by White Chick's mom, who is a shrink. Tyrone wakes up the next morning, and White Chick's parents are throwing a party and invited the whole village. A mob of old white folks show up at the doorstep and everyone is expecting them to be acting like racist old farts, but instead they can't stop complimenting black people all over the place. A MILF even tries to hit on Tyrone.. "wuh...duh...fuhh....?" Then, Tyrone gets a call from his friend, Mr. Comedic Relief,  who tells him that a bunch of brothas went missing around that neighbourhood and that he better "Get Out"! Tyrone tries to run but instead is strapped to a chair........

JK. His name is not Tyrone, it's "Chris".

Does Get Out deserve 99% on Rotten Tomatoes, a rating equivalent to The Godfather? Absolutely not. But, Get Out is a movie with an easy going mindset. It does not take itself seriously, rather, it seeks to entertain, and thus is hardly a horror film, even though it is marketed as such. Suspense and tension is well-maintained throughout the film, with a good balance of well-timed comedic relief moments in between.

Best creepy performance goes to the actress performing the role of Georgina, the house servant. The film effectively employs the technique of facial closeups to enhance the scare factor (see below). However, I would critique that the film also relies on too many "jump scare" moments, which at times cheapens the horror to the level of I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Solid acting by the main lead, Daniel Kaluuya. Would you look at those eyes? They look so expressively frightened, as if he uncovered some shockingly disgusting secret kept hidden for centuries. Maybe the white folks are kidnapping the black people and eating them, or using them for satanic rituals? Sadly there is no such big unravel of plot twist. Which brings me to my biggest critique: Get Out stopped delivering surprises halfway into the movie thanks to Mr. Comedic Relief giving away the plot twist early on:

(BIG SPOILERS AHEAD)

"Bruh, you betta get yo ass outta there! Them crazyass white folks be kidnapping them brothas, hypnotizing them, and keeping them as sex slaves!"

Mr. Comedic Relief's conspiracy theory is almost spot on (except instead of sex slaves, white people are putting their brains into black people's bodies). Viewers are left with few surprises after that point, as Chris expectantly finds ways to Get Out of the hell hole.

The film fails to deliver the biggest plot twist at the end, when Chris violently struggles with White Chick just as a cop car shows up. Instead of having Mr. Comedic Relief save Chris' ass, the film could've delivered its social commentary about racism by having a random white cop get out of the car to arrest Chris, resonating the real-life  theme that the black man is always assumed to be the perpetrator while White Chick is presumed innocent.

I'd describe the film as a "Stepford Wives + Ex Machina" mashup. However, unlike Stepford Wives or Ex Machina, Get Out does not seem to have a clear theme. Racism against blacks was not apparently delivered as a theme. Quite the opposite, the white people in the movie tried to take over black people's bodies because of the perceived physical advantages black people have. The only portrayal of institutionalized racism is in the beginning of the film, when Chris asks White Chick "Do your parents know I'm black?", as if being black is something bad that would naturally cause white parents to flip out.

Overall, the film is perfectly enjoyable, with wonderful cinematography and storytelling. I personally found nothing mind-blowing about the plot. I'm one who enjoys a good plot twist and on that level, Get Out failed to deliver. 


A few random critiques and plot holes to think about:
-"Get Out", the title sucks. They should've called it something memorable.
-Why did the white people only kidnap Blacks if it weren't for racist reasons but for practical reasons?
-if white people are inserting their brains into black people's bodies, what happens to their own bodies? Are they pronounced dead to the police?
-Why does Chris' camera flash cause the "possessed blacks" to regain their own consciousness?
-Why do the police not investigate the disappearances of black men in the neighbourhood?

8/10

Directed by Jordan Peele
Starring

• Daniel Kaluuya
• Allison Williams
• Catherine Keener
• Bradley Whitford
• Caleb Landry Jones
• Lil Rel Howery
• Keith Stanfield

Release date: February 24, 2017

Running time: 103 minutes

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3-hour-long dining extravaganza at Le Crododile

(Belated) A night out at Le Crocodile filled with delectable lactose-filled goodness.

Valentines Day is undeniably one of those holidays that incite the deepest fears among men, not because they are incapable of delivering solidly convincing romantic expression, but because wallets (among other things) shrivel upon paying for the now-standard "vday dinner menu". Meanwhile, restauranteurs rejoice after waiting all year for this occasion to make a killing.

Word around town is that Hawksworth delivered the biggest "rip-off" with a $158/pp menu. Miku, a close second at $125/pp.

My jaws dropped when Vic took us to Le Crocodile for a multi-course dinner at Le Crocodile. "$98?! That's too rip-off, lets go home!". "This is to make up for the crappy food and snooty waiters we tolerated in Paris", he said. I obliged.

We arrived at 8:30pm for the "second seating" of the night.

8:45pm-- First up, a creamy mushroom truffle tart, not officially on the menu. I promptly popped my lactase pills (Asian problems), upon good judgement. The tart was a balanced blend of creamy delight, aromatic truffle, and tiny mushroom bits. I devoured it in a few seconds. 5/5

9:00pm--no sign of any food being brought out from the kitchen. "they must be behind schedule". We joked around about our bosses and coworkers in the meantime.

9:15pm --A sigh of relief when we saw foie gras creme brulee and duck proscuitto. THYME TO EAT! oh wait. Too much lactose. I donated my foie gras to Vic, to his delight. A small taste of it rendered a savoury rich buttery-smooth meaty flavour. After he finished both foie gras, I asked for his comments, to which he said "it was pretty good". The duck proscuitto was served on a crispy baguette with a generous portion of marmalade. I was 3-bites-deep into the proscuitto when I realised the flavourful marmalade was made of onions, my mortal enemy. The onion flavour was slightly over-powering.  3/5

9:30pm --My stomach was growling "FEED ME DAMNIT", but no sign of the next dish. We joked around about the latest Donald Trump news.

 9:45pm--A warm plate of asparagus and prawn salad topped with an egg was finally delivered. I appreciated the effort to serve cooked vegetables as I was never one to enjoy cold salads. The mildly savoury flavour of the prawns and asparagus paired well with the arugula and balsamic reduction. Didn't care too much for the egg and feta cheese as they seemed out of place. 4.5/5

10:00pm --Still waiting for the real deal. We were quickly running out of people to joke around about.

10:15pm--Finally! A beautifully plated dish of scallop (big thing on top), sable fish, and pasta swimming in buttery sawce. Scallop was cooked medium-rare and grilled lightly on the outside. The natural sweet flavours of the scallop speaks for itself. Sable fish was moist, with a smoky grill taste, and crumbled softly under my fork. The thick butter sauce was too rich for my liking so I had to skip out on most of the pasta. 4/5

His lambchop and tenderloin looked scrumptious from a distance. He commented "it was pretty good".

10:30pm-- We observed, uncomfortably, an older Asian couple at a nearby table exhibiting extreme PDA with a case of Roman Hands.

10:45pm: A mini scoop of passion fruit sorbet was served.  It was smooth and tasted like passionfruit... bubbletea.... which reminded me that I have never tasted real passion fruit. A welcome palette cleanser nontheless. 5/5

11:00pm: The finishing move: trio of desserts (Strawberry souffle, black forest truffle cake, and rasberry coconut cream tart). Souffle--as expected, light and airy. Black forest cake--not overly sweet, not too dense, rich nevertheless with chocolate truffles. Tart--surprisingly refreshing choice of sweet coconut cream paired with a sour fruit. 5/5

Overall:

Food: 4/5 --Overall a well thought out menu.
Ambience: 4/5 Old fashioned, simple, bistro style decor.
Service: 3/5 The whole meal took nearly 3 hours, with 30 mins of waiting between each course. Otherwise, service was attentive.
Value for Money: 4/5 Not terribly overpriced considering the amount of food and the occasion.

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Impress your hunny(ies) with homemade Green Grass Cookies

Valentine's Day has dawned upon us. 

This year...

Not gonna get Vic a platinum ring
He already has that type of bling
Not gonna get him a fancy car
The Corolla works best when he drives so far

Not gonna get him a house in the hills
A guy like him needs somethin' real
Gonna give him somethin' from the heart
Somethin' not found at the nearby Wal-Mart.....

....

It's my [green heart] in a box.

It's a matcha [green tea] white chocolate macadamia heart [cookie].  My mom asked me why it isn't red "Aren't hearts supposed to be red?". Someone else said it looks poisonous. Someone else said "It's not St. Patrick's day". Well, nothing they can do about it, my heart is green.

This is obviously a very healthy cookie because it is green, so please try out this recipe if you're on a diet:

Ingredients 
(makes 13-17 cookies, depending on the size of your heart)

1.5 tbsp matcha green tea powder

0.25 teaspoon of baking soda

0.5 cup of unsalted butter, room temperature

0.5 cup granulated sugar

0.25 teaspoon of salt

0.5 tbsp of pure vanilla extract

1 large egg

0.5 cups of white chocolate chunks/chips

1 cup of all-purpose flour

40 g of macadamia nuts, roughly chopped

(*note: matcha powder can be found in local Vancouver/Richmond Japanese grocers such as Fujiya or Izumiya. I got mine at Izumiya for $6 (40g). Alternatively, you could pay high dollar at David's Tea for  $20 (50g))

Directions
(cooking time: 1.5 hours for noobs, 30 mins for pros)

Preheat the oven to 350F.

Combine the flour and the baking soda together. Then, mix the matcha powder with the flour mix until the mixture turns a sickly green colour.

In a separate bowl, beat the butter and the sugar until your arm gets tired [light and fluffy]

Add the salt, vanilla and egg and beat until well mixed. Mix in the flour mixture and mix no more flour pockets. Now fold in your white chocolate and macadamia nuts.

 (it looks like cow barf but it gets much better looking later)

Use a cookie cutter to shape the dough into the shape of your heart. Line your baking sheet with parchment paper and place the hearts on neatly.

Bake the cookies for about 13-16 minutes just as the edges start to slightly brown. Since these are grass green cookies, you don’t want it to brown too much otherwise you would lose the green colour.

Cool the cookies for 10 minutes on a wire rack and then take instagrammable pictures like this:

 Happy Valentines Day!

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Royal Seafood Restaurant 粤海山庄...Never Again

It's Sunday morning, which naturally means Dim Sum time for the typical Chinese person living in Richmond. Vic and I venture off to the nearest dim sum hang out, Royal Seafood Restaurant 粤海山庄 in Blundell Plaza in Richmond. We've been here once in the past but the experience was utterly unmemorable, so we decided to refresh our memories.

This second experience was unforgettable.

(Pictured top to bottom: Chinese donut in rice roll (炸两），chrysanthemum and goji berry jello (杞子桂花糕），golden seafood shrimp dumpling with "con" (corn?) (富贵黄金果）, shrimp and pea tip dumpling (鲜虾痘苗饺）, and egg tofu with enoki mushrooms and sliced carrots (双菇玉子豆腐）.)

Everything looks fine right? WRONG.

Fried egg tofu, as we know it, should be gently fried on the outside but silky smooth on the inside, a gift from the heavens. This egg tofu was scorched from the fires of Mordor. The texture of the outside layer is so rough that you'd think you're eating fried chicken.

As for the Chinese donut in rice roll, the pictures say it all. After eating away the end pieces, we revealed the hollow rock-hard inner pieces that were literally inedible. They were also fried to a crisp brittle colour of brown, which alludes to the level of chaffing that the top of my mouth suffered as I chomped down. It still hurts as f.

At this point, we waved down a waitress, who promptly responded curtly in Cantonese "What do you want?" We explained that the Chinese donut rice roll was inedible and she proceeded to explain that "this is how it is meant to be". We insisted that this is an unacceptable standard of service and after some grumbling, the waitress gave us a 10% off our bill.

As for the others:

Chrysanthemum and goji berry jello: very low on the flavour. It tasted like slightly sweetened gelatinous goo.

Golden seafood shrimp dumpling with "con" (corn?): Not good.. The taste of green onion in the dumplings were over powering. Generally you would not find green onion in steamed shrimp dumplings.

Shrimp and pea tip dumpling: This was the only saving grace of the meal. The dumpling skin was the right elasticity and the shrimp tasted fresh and bouncy. At $2 a piece, I would've expected as much.

The damage was done and our lesson is learned. We wouldn't be coming back.

On a side note, "Royal Dance Club"? Is that the actual business name?

Vic was trying to wave hi from the other side of the hollow steel crusts of the donut roll.

Food Quality:     1/5 - Inedible
Service:      1/5 - Dismissive and at times rude
Ambience:       3/5 - Festive.. in the Chinese sense if you could call it that.

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